New and improved car commercials (now with a dose of honesty)

Is Big Road really all that different from Big Pharma? Maybe it's time for automotive ads to list potential side effects.

We’ve all seen utopian pharmaceutical TV commercials showing us a glimpse of a utopia, with a soothing voiceover. It’s 10 seconds of how we’ll live a better life with their product, followed by 50 seconds of side effects ranging from “you might get sore feet” to “you might be six feet under.”

I’m not pretending nothing good comes from Big Pharma. They make products that have helped lots of people…and as every one of their ads reminds us, they make products that have disastrous side effects. Is Big Auto really that different? I might be ready for car commercials to follow the same advertising requirements as drug commercials.

Below is my fantasy of a corporate attorney meeting with a car company’s marketing department to explain the new disclaimers that need to be part of all future advertising in order to protect their executives from potential lawsuits. Business is good, but grieving families can be a drain on corporate morale and the bank account.

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The executive team has approved a new directive that applies to all television advertisements for our automotive products effective immediately. Pursuant to emerging liability concerns, the marketing department is now required to include a comprehensive disclosure of potential side effects in every ad. This is not a suggestion; this is a mandate.

The majority of commercial airtime will be reserved for the enumeration of risks, ranging from fatal collisions to financial ruin, as outlined in the attached addendum. Compliance is non-negotiable, and failure to integrate these disclaimers will expose the company to litigation risks that none of us are compensated enough to mitigate.

Please adjust your scripts to include the following categorized possible inconveniences customers might inadvertently suffer after buying one of our products.

Death — May result from high-speed collisions, rollovers, or head-on crashes; risk increases with speed, alcohol consumption, or distracted driving.

Traumatic Brain Injury — Possible from impact with steering wheel, dashboard, or windshield; helmets not included.

Spinal Cord Damage — May occur in rear-end or side-impact crashes, potentially leading to permanent paralysis.

Fractures — Bones may shatter upon collision with other vehicles, pedestrians, or stationary objects like trees or guardrails.

Internal Bleeding — Could develop from blunt trauma to organs, often fatal if untreated within minutes.

Amputation — Limbs may be severed or crushed in severe accidents, especially involving motorcycles or heavy trucks.

Burns — Risk of first-, second-, or third-degree burns from fuel fires or electrical malfunctions post-crash.

Whiplash — Neck strain or long-term pain from sudden stops or rear-end collisions.

Hearing Loss — Possible from airbag deployment (up to 178 decibels) or prolonged exposure to loud engine noise.

Vision Impairment — May result from flying glass, airbag powder, or head trauma; permanent blindness possible in extreme cases.

Respiratory Distress — Inhalation of exhaust fumes, airbag chemicals, or smoke from car fires may cause choking, lung damage, or carbon monoxide poisoning.

Heart Attack — Stress from road rage, near-misses, or crash-related shock may trigger cardiac events, especially in older drivers.

Stroke — Sudden blood pressure spikes from driving stress or injury-induced clots could lead to brain damage.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) — May develop after surviving or witnessing a serious accident, causing nightmares, flashbacks, or panic attacks.

Depression — Potential from loss of mobility, chronic pain, or financial ruin following a crash.

Anxiety — Increased risk from daily traffic, near-collisions, or fear of reckless drivers sharing the road.

Sleep Deprivation — Long commutes or drowsy driving (a factor in 20% of fatal crashes) may impair rest and health.

Financial Devastation — Costs from repairs, medical bills, lawsuits, or totaled vehicles may exceed $100,000; insurance may not cover all damages.

Bankruptcy — Could result from inability to pay crash-related debts or loss of income due to injury.

Increased Insurance Premiums — Even minor fender-benders may raise rates by 20–40%, compounding over years.

Repossession — Missed car payments due to crash-related expenses may lead to vehicle seizure.

Legal Consequences — Risk of fines, license suspension, or jail time for speeding, DUI, or vehicular manslaughter.

Divorce — Stress from accidents, financial strain, or mobility loss may irreparably damage relationships.

Road Rage — Frustration from traffic or aggressive drivers may lead to violent outbursts or physical altercations.

Kidney Damage — Prolonged sitting in traffic linked to poor circulation and organ strain.

Obesity — Sedentary car use may contribute to weight gain, increasing risks of diabetes and heart disease.

Cancer — Long-term exposure to benzene in exhaust fumes classified as carcinogenic by the EPA.

Asthma — Particulate matter from emissions may trigger or worsen breathing problems, especially in children near roads.

Allergic Reactions — Interior materials (e.g., leather, plastics) may off-gas chemicals causing rashes or respiratory irritation.

Electrocution — Risk from electric vehicle battery malfunctions or post-crash exposed wiring.

Pedestrian Injury or Death — Striking walkers or cyclists may result in guilt, lawsuits, or criminal charges.

Property Damage — Crashing into homes, fences, or other cars may lead to costly repairs or neighbor disputes.

Tire Blowouts — Sudden loss of control may cause swerving, rollovers, or multi-vehicle pileups.

Brake Failure — Mechanical issues could result in unstoppable collisions; risk rises with poor maintenance.

Theft or Vandalism — Vehicle may be stolen, keyed, or broken into, leading to loss of valuables or safety fears.

Traffic Tickets — Fines for speeding, red-light running, or parking violations may accumulate, draining savings.

Impoundment — Car may be towed and held for unpaid tickets or illegal parking, costing hundreds to retrieve.

Existential Dread — Realizing life depends on a 3,000-pound machine hurtling at 70 mph may unsettle sensitive drivers.

But some people claim they don’t experience any side effects, so maybe you’ll be fine. Visit your nearest dealer today!