The tool guaranteed to build predictable towns
Here's how to achieve a sedentary and docile population.
If we live in a simulation, then this is one of the infomercials playing for the otherworldly programmers.
Have you ever dreamed of building the perfect town, but thought it would be too overwhelming? Maybe you thought you lacked the expertise about how to organize buildings, roads, and all those unpredictable inhabitants. Or worse, maybe you feared the town wouldn’t be uniform or predictable.
Those days of distress are over. Introducing Zonacity.
Zonacity is the town building software plugin that combines all the higher intelligence of a planning department with the efficiency of a sausage factory.
Just upload Zonacity to effortlessly build a perfect town.
Residential zones and business zones are of course separated, with your choice of 6-lane or 8-lane arterials connecting the zones. No more programming glitches over low-speed streets or non-auto forms of transportation. Once you upload Zonacity, all your town residents stay in their buildings or automobiles where they belong.
No more jaywalking!
No more bicycles rolling through stop signs!
No more mixed-use neighborhoods adding complexity to people movement!
If you order Zonacity now, you’ll get a free upgrade to the bundle that includes drag-and-drop Traffic Engineering and Public Hearings. These two important add-ons will give your town residents the assurance that zone-living is in their best interest.
Order now.
Customers who build towns based on zones report their programs experience side effects including:
Increased pedestrian deaths and injuries
Increased cyclist deaths and injuries
Increased motorist deaths and injuries
Increased dependency on motoring
Increased health care and insurance costs
Increased isolation of characters
Increased reports of loneliness, anxiety, and depression
Increased heart disease, cancers, lower respiratory illnesses
Increased housing costs and homelessness
Increased dissatisfaction among low-income residents
Increased dissatisfaction among high-income residents
Increased apathy by middle class residents
Increased quarrels to preserve hegemony
Increased consumption of natural resources
Increased attempts by savvy residents to integrate residential and business uses
Zonacity increases everything, so we’re confident you’ll love it. Are you ready to conquer your program’s game of life? Order Zonacity now to build the perfect town!
Zonacity, brought to you by Fyezurr.